screenplay contest winner announced
Winner of unofficial Paranormal Activity screenplay challenge announced.
Well, we’ve struggled with some technical issues (why oh why do hackers think we want a flaming skull on our homepage?) but we’ve finally got control of the site back, and we can announce the (belated) winner of our second screenplay writing challenge: The End.
As a reminder, we asked you to submit your best shot at rewriting the ending of 2009′s most successful horror film, Paranormal Activity. Our referee was the awesome Denise Gossett, scream queen and founder of the Shriekfest Film Festival.
So who took the prize?
Congratulations go to: Carlos Perez – for his “Goodnight” entry.
Carlos wins a Shriekfest t-shirt, a free 200 word ad in the Shriekfest newsletter (he can use it to pimp his film, screenplay, writing services, etc), a link on the Shriekfest site, and a free festival pass for 2010 Fest. Sweet, right?
Here’s his entry (and then here’s the page with all the entries):
INT. KATIE AND MICAH’S BEDROOM – VIDEO CAMERA POV. – EVE.
Micah and Katie are asleep in bed. The footsteps of the apparition are heard entering the bedroom. The covers over Katie are slowly pulled back from off of her. Invisible hands grab her hands and pull her from the bed and out toward the doorway.
Katie SCREAMS out for help and Micah hears her. He quickly jumps out of bed and tries to pull her back into the room, but the apparition’s strength is too strong and Katie is pulled out of the doorway and into the hall.
Micah rushes after her, into the darkness.
There is a scuffle from downstairs followed by a male SCREAM.
After a moment, Katie returns to the room. She is covered in blood. She climbs back under the covers and prepares to go back to sleep.
A few moments later there is the sound of footsteps from the apparition as it enters the room. Katie looks toward the sound of the footsteps.
Katie’s gaze follows the footsteps as they come around to Micah’s side of the bed. The covers lift up and a form lies down under the covers. Katie lies there very still for a moment, looking at the invisible form beside her. The invisible form turns on it left side, away from her. Katie slowly moves in close to the form and then drapes her right arm around the form and snuggles up behind it.
The two of them lie quietly together. Katie rests her head on the shoulder of the form. There is a slight smile of contentment on Katie’s face; it’s over.
KATIE
(in a whisper)
Goodnight.
The tape on the recorder runs out and there is nothing but a blank screen filled with static.
BLACK OUT.
Now it’s time for a little feedback. Here are Denise’s notes:
My pick is Carlos Perez’s Version with the “Goodnight” line.
The “You Win” line [from his first entry] is creepy, but I think it felt like it was trying too hard to be creepy. I just don’t see her character giving in so easily; granted she has been through a lot, but she does love Micah. I don’t think she would just give up on Micah like that.
The “Goodnight” ending was pretty cool. She knows she can’t escape this apparition and seems to really enjoy this “boyfriend” shall we say. In a way it’s comforting to her that she has this “thing” with her at all times all through the years. Yes, it scares her, but it’s like when someone stays with someone that abuses them, at least they have someone right? They justify it in any way they can. I thought this was a much better ending than the original ending.
The third entry seemed to be trying too hard…this ending bothered me, I didn’t buy it, felt the writer was searching for a way to add a twist in just for the sake of a twist. The writing was good, but I just didn’t like the content.
And my thoughts go something like this… I agree that given a choice between the two lines, I also prefer “Goodnight”. But given a broader choice, I’d rather have no line at all. Sometimes less is more, and when struggling to choose between two lines, sometimes the struggle is an indication that there’s a third, “righter” answer. Maybe it’s a third line, maybe it’s no line at all. I think it’s important to remember that “silence IS dialogue”, and nothing can be the perfect thing to say. Choosing no line here isn’t a cop out… it’s in keeping with the minimalist, naturalistic nature of the whole film… and particularly if the camera timer had fast forwarded to the credits, it could perfectly echo preceding scenes.
Nevertheless, the scene does a good job of remaining in the style of the preceding film (one of our stipulations) and setting up an opportunity for a truly creepy ending that’s far less “hollywood” than the “throw a body at the camera” version I saw.
On the more critically technical side:
- Some of the left margin descriptive passages seem to trend a little long (best to keep them to three or four sentences) but the limitations of the scrippets formatting make that tough to judge.
- I would like to see a less formal style to the descriptive text – there are virtually no contractions used, and the word “and” is overused, as is the phrase “there is”. It seems to retard the pacing a bit, where shorter more declarative sentences might keep the reading pace in line with the action. Find ways to collapse those thoughts into more efficient sound bites.
- The phrase “quickly jumps” out of bed feel redundant (can one “slowly jump”?) as does “the apparition’s strength is too strong”. I’m not sure your strength can be strong.
- I think I’d prefer “a man’s scream” to “a male scream” – it’s less clinical and easier to empathize with.
- And lastly I’d watch for passages like “climbs back under the covers and prepares to go back to sleep” – tell us what people are doing, not what they are “preparing” to do.
- I only found one typo!
And regarding the third entry… I also liked the writing, but found myself suddenly hung up on the viability of such a sting… is there an insurance company that pays out for “death by poltergeist”? Like the cops aren’t going to look at Katie? Unlikely… a fun twist but simply not in keeping with the preceding film (one of our stipulations).
So that’s it. Thanks for your entries, and thanks to Denise for refereeing our little contest, and for donating all the cool stuff. Carlos will receive his schwag in plenty of time for this year’s Shriekfest… congratulations again!
So did Denise make the right choice? Are my technical points off base? Weigh in if you like… that’s what this site is all about… creative dialogue between writers.
And… scene!
Screenplay Challenge One: Subtext – the results are in…
The first Write Club Screenwriting Challenge contest results announced – “Subtext”.
See the original challenge (and read the entries) here…
The envelope please…
Thanks to all those who submitted to the subtext challenge. Knowing how to avoid gratuitous exposition and on-the-nose dialogue is so critical to developing characters that have depth and motivations that resonate.
How often as a teen did you catch grief over your tone of voice? “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” was a common refrain in my household.
How many times has a loved one claimed that they “shouldn’t have to tell you what they want/need/mean” because you’re supposed to understand their true motivations without their spelling them out?
These are the hallmarks of subtext… the understanding that the tone and energy under the words people utter rarely carry the message they want to communicate, that their true meaning lies somewhere behind the words.
Your task was to write a scene with two characters, at least one of whom wants something from the other, at least one of whom gets what s/he wants from the other, neither of whom ever explicitly states what it is s/he wants.
Your Referee for this round is John Rainey. John has reviewed the entries, and without further ado (drum roll please) I’ll turn it over to John for his results!
AND THE WINNER IS:
ALAIN DOMINIC
All are born to their function.
A common, but durable, lineage.
Rarest breeds. All are precious, all irreplaceable.
No infection great or small must be allowed to compromise that potential.
Now, THIS is subtle subtext. Trista’s subtext is to get a position for her son in the Royal Academy. But the Queen nails her at every turn. Everything the Queen says keeps Trista in her subservient place without stating it overtly. The scene could have been even more dramatic if Trista (Wife) had continued to pursue her scene objective subtextually. Nevertheless, excellent work! Thumbs up!
About Alain: Alain is a serious screenwriter with big aspirations and bigger ideas, who maintains a great blog at Dangerous Screenwriter. Check it out!
“Just wanted to give a big THANK YOU to all for putting on the contest in the first place, and choosing my scene as the winner! Consider this my digital hug to you all.Websites like yours and opportunities for no-nonsense feedback really means a lot to those of us who take our craft and our careers seriously. This kind of stuff must be somewhat of a drain on your already busy schedules, so I just want you to know that your efforts to share your knowledge and inspire those of us who are really trying are appreciated and are having a great impact.” – Alain
Alain Dominic will receive a copy of SONY Vegas Movie Studio 9 software courtesy of The Business of Show Institute and Sony Creative Software. Congratulations, Dominic, on being the first winner of a Write Club Screenwriter’s Challenge! (Learn more about BOSI and SONY’s support for Write Club here!)
RUNNER UP:
PAM INGLESE: “I think the actions/reactions could be more subtle, and the ending was a touch melodramatic, but the scene fulfills the task [and Chip is especially fond of the fact that Lorna drives her agenda with no dialogue]. Well done!
Among the others, although they may not have specifically fulfilled the subtext task, we saw some good writing! A cute, well written scene with snappy dialogue. A powerful scene with an incredible climax that blew me away with its sense of hopelessness as reason debates rage… and loses. From the sublime to the ridiculous, you gave us the whole spectrum.
GENERAL FEEDBACK:
With an eye toward making the challenge worthwhile for all, and in the spirit of constructive criticism, I’ll share some of the common problems among the entries (not all related to subtext):
- Double entendre was often confused with subtext. It’s not enough that the words have double meanings, but that there is an agenda behind the words. Thus there was some cute dialogue that unfortunately just didn’t fulfill the task.
- Likewise metaphors are not subtext. They’re neat, but they’re not subtext in their own right.
- There was a fair amount of “relationship exposition”… scenes that illustrated a complex relationship, but without subtext and no apparent resolution of an agenda.
- Don’t forget it’s a visual medium. I’m not fond of nonspecific phrases like “uncertain what to do next”. If that’s how your character feels, try to demonstrate that through their actions in a way that lets the viewer know the character is uncertain what to do next.
- And don’t describe your character in ways that a viewer can’t possibly know. Don’t tell me that he’s “dressed as he is every morning” or “cranky like always”. As the viewer, unless I’m familiar with his patterns I won’t know that. If it’s an important character trait, you’ll have to find an interesting visual way to communicate to the viewer that this is a behavioral pattern.
- Watch out for passive verbs and adverbs. Don’t let your characters “walk quietly”, have them tip toe.
- And I’m afraid I saw a few missing commas. It’s an obsession, I know.
Thank you all for your entries, and for letting me referee the first Write Club Challenge. Keep writing!
- John
John Rainey – Rated the #1 screenwriting analyst in the country by Creative Screenwriting Magazine in 2003, John has been in the industry as an actor, screenwriter, reader, and analyst for more than 20 years. Learn more about John’s consulting and writing services at raineyscriptconsulting.com.
The winning entry:
EXT. ROYAL GARDENS – AFTERNOON
Trista strolls a respectful beat behind her Queen, following her lead through twisted spires and exotic, flowering orbs.
QUEEN
How fares your son?
WIFE
Spending the evening in a rejuvenation unit, but he’ll pull through. Thank you, My Lady.
QUEEN
My son respects his skill in the cockpit. He claims yours was born with wings.
WIFE
Alas, his heritage excludes him from the Royal Academy. With the right recommendations --
QUEEN
All are born to their function, even Tovarians. He’ll do fine.
WIFE
He is blessed to have a friend of such rectitude as our Prince. They’ve become virtually inseparable.
The landscape is broken by a massive, REFLECTIVE DOME STRUCTURE. Trista and the Queen arrive at a sealed entrance.
QUEEN
I hear you tend to a particularly noteworthy garden.
WIFE
My lineage is of the soil, I suspect I inherited a small amount of talent.
The Queen’s hand glides past a laser scanner and the entrance slides open. It is dark inside.
QUEEN
And your chosen seed?
WIFE
I suppose I have a reputation with J’ran Firs.
INT. GEO-DOME
Trista follows the Queen into the mouth of the sleek, shiny black tunnel.
QUEEN
We have several on the outskirts of the north lawns. A common, but durable lineage. Perhaps my lead technician could give you some instruction.
WIFE
Thank you, my Queen. It would be an honor to learn from such a renowned specialist.
Their footsteps echo through the dark chamber as they approach a curtain of RED GAS, billowing from ceiling to floor. Trista hesitates.
QUEEN
An inoculation cloud. Have you ever seen the Royal Arborium?
WIFE
That was my first time, thank you, my Lady.
QUEEN
Outside was not the Arborium.
The Queen disappears into the red mist. Trista follows.
INT. ARBORIUM
Trista emerges from the cloud into a twinkling, bioluminescent ALIEN FOREST.
It is night time here, the Geo-Dome mimicking a perfect, clear nocturne, complete with glimmering stars and constellations in its seemingly endless “sky”.
WIFE
Heaven’s Kingdoms...
QUEEN
Indeed. The plants that grow in here are of the rarest breeds from throughout the known biospheres. All are precious, all irreplaceable.
WIFE
I see.
QUEEN
Do you? All this fabrication is nothing less than a grand womb, regulating every atom enveloping us to the slightest degree. Every need is met. Every circumstance regulated, enabling every sprout to reach its fullest potential. Good men have lost lives to ensure that every blade in this forest may flourish. To me, it is the very symbol of the strength and prosperity of our entire race. No infection great or small must be allowed to compromise that potential.
WIFE
Understood, my Queen.
